Drowning As everything washes over you As conquering as it will be You have dug your final grave Opened your eyes to see Succumb to this sadness Embrace a true defeat No matter what you do now You can’t ever retreat This is how it is meant to be Nightmares have come true Fate has had it’s own plan None have involved you You no longer have the power I hope this is plain to see Just go on and accept it Throw away that key Fate has your hand now All that’s left is to fold Lay your head on your knees And do as you are told
Charades That hand has been played. The coin has been flipped. The numbers have been pulled. The results are always the same. Fold. Heads. 666. Now the curtains have been drawn. The tricks no longer work. The show has ended. What have we learned?
Late Night Convulsions Where are the worlds I crafted from scratch? The characters of depth from my old life? Where have the winding plots gone? The narratives that once amazed me? Where is the magic that once coursed through my veins? Putting pencil to paper has become a burden to me? Because nothing ever good comes from it. It’s a simple block I tell myself. At this point has it become something more? Has my passion left me? Am I no longer a crafter of words? A magician who’s wand is simply a pencil? The most powerful weapon known to man? I can no longer wield its power. I must become stronger.
Tea; the magical beverage. A (old but effective) form of alteration. Emotion, sickness, or bodily functions. The smell of cinnamon wafts into the rafters of the efficiency apartment. Holding the hot beverage tight in your hands as you beg for it’s uplifting benefits. A tonic made of leaves and stems. Granting the abilities of forever seeing. You close your eyes to be swallowed by the darkness of peace. Slipping the cup to your lips as you indulge on its spicy tones. Suddenly the kettle is burning again. You know you turned the stove off? You want to open your eyes, scared to see what is before you.
Pulling them open with effort you are looking before yourself. Your body mangled and torn, looking around. Your tongue slithering in and out of your mouth. Blood oozing from your eyes. You start to cry. You want to close your eyes before it sees you? But somehow you can’t. Your strength waivers as you try to pull them closed. Suddenly the bloody pupils are staring back at you. It whispers something you can’t quite comprehend. It bends inhumanly towards as it twists and contours into the shadows. You need to be free now. You need to go.
It is closer now, it hisses like the kettle as you open your mouth to scream for help. Not a sound escapes as it’s inches away from you. It unhinges it’s jaws to consume you. You are frozen in terror as it’s pointy teeth come close. The hot drool oozing on top of your body as it opens wider. It jumps to the ceiling hanging from the rafters as it is poised above you. Slowly it comes as if for eternity.
You break into a cold sweat as you try to think of how to let go. The world you have stumbled upon you has taken you now and there is no escape. It scrunches around you. Squealing and gushing. Panting and moaning as it covers your body in grotesque. You feel your body crushed, the pinching of teeth, the hot steam of it’s breath threatens to suffocate you.
Your inside it now trying to claw your way out. The world is getting quite now. Slowly everything fades away. Silence is all you feel now. You finally decided to surrender the fight. Waving your white flag in compliance. Slowly sleep gathers you as your eyes roll behind your head. Everything is numb now.
She walks in front of your apartment, her purse and keys in hand. She fumbles and jangles; fighting the door. She finally conquers this challenge and walks through the door. She whispers your name seductively, in a flirty tease as she stumbles in. She laughs and cheers and tells you about her day. She doesn’t realize you’re not here anymore.
Your body lies still on the carpeted floor, your chest fluttering quietly, you’re struggling for life now and she hasn’t yet understood. She screams a piercing melody as she realizes what you have done. She crawls next to your body as it fights the good fight. Tears streaming down her cheeks in waves as she tries to jiggle you awake.
She knows it is all pointless to even bother or try. She wants so badly to save you, but all she can do is cry. She looks over at the baggy, lying ripped open by your side. She asks how much you took. And looks at your cold dead eyes.
Dissociative Identiy Disorder- A disorder characterized by the presence of two or more distinct personality states.
I haven’t a slight clue who the hell I am anymore? It dawned on me this evening while I was smoking. I looked at my cigarette and just was shocked and ashamed that I involved myself in something I used to despise? It’s whats been making me wake up every single day, handle the next heaping pile of shit I would be presented for that day. I can’t even remember the first time I picked up a cigarette and thought it was even a good idea? I don’t know when it spiraled into a full blown addiction. My mind is clouded with dark clouds of discontempt. I don’t even know when that began? I was not always the happiest kid in the world, I had my issues and needed to resolve them in my own way. But when, in the hell, did this become an acceptable solution?
I dug through the recesses of my mind to consider to options that would have morphed me into whoever the hell this is? I was cheated on before, quite some time ago, by the girl of my dreams and I’m wondering if that was a trigger. But I’m pretty certain it was a habit in formation before we said our goodbyes. So when did I swap? I had an issue in my very first years of college struggling with feelings for a girl I could never be with. Then the rage built and I formed an alternate version of myself. I called him Jackson Cross, I don’t know where that name came from or how it was formulated but I remember writing poetry for the longest time while I was wrestling with his influence on me.
I remember my conversations with him as I carelessly speed down the highway. He was always unkind and really knew how to bring me down. I would consult him often when I was in dire situations of stress. He would make me feel better. Mock me for begging for his help as he wiped away my emotions. Anger would fester inside me. My demeanor would change. I no longer cared about really anything. I wanted so badly for the pain to just go away that I would entrust him with the very essence of my life. I would consult him alone in the bathroom when I shooed him away. He would cackle and laugh saying that he was no longer an option for me.
I would beg daily for him to just take over. Disassemble the very fabrication of my existence. I no longer wanted to be me. I wanted to be him. He could swoon the ladies, end a fist fight, and commit felonies. All without a blink of his eye. I so badly desired his assistance. I just couldn’t stand being me anymore. He would try his hardest sometimes to take over but he was never strong enough, even though I gave him all the power. He could only be triggered. I tried to listen to the track that triggered him literally all night long while I slept. With the very faint hope I would wake up and be no more. Just become him.
They say its not real for me and perhaps they are right, no one goes and creates an alternate version of themselves out of thin air. I somehow managed to pull off such a feat right down to the trigger, the change in posture, personality, attitude, hell even my voice was altered. I do not know if it is possible to have such a case but it got me to wondering rather unexpectedly.
Who is in the front seat now?
I’ve struggled for some time with the notion that this life is no longer mine. I feel like a ghost slipping through time completely unaware of the surrounding tragedies before me. I hate who I am constantly, and wish I was someone else. Did I somehow pull that off? Would I even be aware of such a feat? I am so unexplainably confused I don’t even know what could be fabrication and what could be reality anymore. When did that become a problem? Why is it only this evening the thought even slip through my mind.
Who could it possibly be, from my studies of characterization I crafted several to be a fantastic piece for a story and am now wondering if I am completely crazy? Did I somehow slip away while someone else took my place? Ha. I’m probably a disgrace and very wrong. But I can’t help but feel that something is very wrong with who I am now? I don’t at all feel like myself and maybe I’m making shit up to cover up the real issues but I’m fascinated by the very notion that something is wrong with me.
I can’t explain really anything anymore. I don’t know why I think of the terrible things that I do. I don’t know why I fabricate such treasonous stories in my mind on the simplest of possibilities. I can’t believe the weight in my chest every day I know I have to get up and face the decaying world in all it’s glory. I don’t know why I always feel like I’m constantly a passenger in my own life. Rolling with the punches presented to me with the very (small) possibility that tomorrow could be any different from today.
I guess its not really up to you guys to make conclusions on the facts I present you as I know I am not well known, but I can’t help but wonder. What is really going on with me now?
Who am I??
~Inspired by “Secret Window” by Stephen King
The ideas that infiltrate my mind. Infecting the very small fraction of my sanity still intact. Words are poisons of the mind. Words can be antidotes or clues to the chaos before you. Venomous clues you must take one at a time; hoping not to overdose. A dissection of possibilities.
The tragedies and scenes that play in your mind like a motion picture. Images flashing pulling at each and every sense it can grab hold of and twist into some dark aversion. Your sanity screams and begs for mercy. But alas it has no choice but to give in.
Crawl into your safe-place as you recover from the battle within yourself you inspired. Hoping for the healing of forgiveness to play its harmonic tones. In the waning distance you realize the violins are soft and staggered. As though hanging onto the very thought of “normality” waves its arms in front of you, walking away into the fog of self-inflicted suicide.
You claw out your eyes trying to separate reality from subliminal. The pain a reminder of what’s before you and what is inside.
You finally realize; this battle cannot be won.
You were a great adversary but yourself will overpower you.
Pieces inspired by their music videos!
It all started when I met them they called themselves Obstacle, and they said that the name was because they cause hardships for their enemies. I made the mistake of joining them! I thought I had nothing more to live for… until I met her.
“So Leighton have you brought me the goods?” a man in a black taxedo asked.
“Sir it is not that easy!” a short man said as he wiped his forhead, beads of sweat were soon shaken off
“I sense fear” the man said in the tuxedo
“Fear, what fear I have not fear!” the man trembled
“You have failed me” the tuxedo reparde said as he lifted his gun and shot the man trembling in fear, he soon fell and his eyes rolled back into his head. He was dead.
“I suspect no more troubles?”
“No sir no more troubles”
The day was sunny and the air was dry I knew at once life was still going on. My girlfriend Jennifer and I went out to fill my car with gas at a local gas station. She stepped out looking as amazing as ever, she was wearing a pair of blue denim shorts and a white shirt with frills. I went to the pump and I placed the cylinder into the gas intake port and dispensed some gas into my car. I placed my elbows on the tank as it filled fiddling with the necklace I was planning to give her. As soon as my car was full I climbed inside and we drove to a beautiful site in which I was going to present my gift to her. She adored it and we embraced, I gently brushed her lips and we kissed for several moments. I had just done a deal with ones called Obstacle and we were driving to drop off our duffel bag of united states dollars. Jennifer sat in the chair next to me nervously biting her pinky nail. We approached another fantastic stone establishment and was directed to its heart. Obstacle and I were trading services I was to deliver a duffel bag of cash from an enemy gang, in exchange I was granted freedom from their group. At the stone beauty we established the trade.
To celebrate our accomplishment Jennifer and I purchased a hotel room for a night. We arrived and the decoration of this hotel room was unique and beautiful. The bed had iron head and foot boards, the designs shadow played onto the beautiful white sheets gracing the mattress. The walls were a gentle teal it was perfect. The light was on in the corner casting a small ray of light across the floor. We got on the bed and we began to kiss. I was gently kissing her neck establishing desire for her and we kissed once on the lips. I laid her down and again kissed her neck the desire and fire of our love for each other flowing through us like running water or flowing sand. The money flew around us like leaves on a cool fall afternoon, it was only once in our life would we get a chance to hold this much cash all at once. So we wanted the best of it. We were enjoying it so much, I saw the passion the love in her eyes burning like internal flames. Her beautiful red lips pressed up to mine. I looked into those beautiful eyes once more and knew we belonged together. We made the mistake of taking so much time in our pleasure that the man who ran Obstacle was waiting in a diner parking lot for us to deliver the cash. Jennifer and I had second thoughts, and we burned some of the money in hopes of great joy, why would we give such a large amount of counterfeit cash to such a horrible gang? The lights danced off of the bill and it mesmerized so. Jennifer and I felt the heat it gave off, so gently in warmed us slightly. A smile crept along our face. After noticing our mistake we decided to get rid of the counterfeit money. I drove as fast as I could to the borders of our refuge. And when I approached the end. Obstacle was waiting. He smiled. The leader wore a blue coat and a pair of black jeans and he opened his coat to display a revolver. His sunglasses reflected the madness and heat of the sun. He tossed the gun to me and it was empty. I tossed it aside and Jennifer ran to the leader and pleaded we be let go he tossed her aside and a member grabbed her, she could not move. The money was gone so we had nothing for him. I had no choice but to fight. He tossed off his coat and walked towards me and I pulled my hand back and hit him in the mouth. Jennifer began screaming for mercy and cried. The leader trembled, touched his bleeding mouth and struck with his knee. It made contact with my stomach and I fell. Jennifer’s screams got more severe, in such a moment she had no choice but to cry! One of his members tossed a pipe to him. I was on my knees below him.
Sometime Around Midnight-
The Airborne Toxic Event
The music was melancholy as I pounded back my wine. Who would have known that tonight would be the night to tear me apart. Her hair ran down her shoulders in waves. Her eyes glimmered under the bar lights. I could see a smile stretched across her face. I couldn’t take it. I stumbled backwards, trying to get away. My memories possessing me.
“Hey baby, how about a nice glass of wine?” She whispered into my ear. A white dress was all that covered her curves. I tried not to stare.
“Yeah, that sounds nice!” I smiled, trying to prevent my heart from leaping out of my chest. I couldn’t believe I had this amazing woman in my life.
She walked over and poured two small glasses with a bright red liquid. It sparkled and gleamed as the candlelight played off of the concoction.
As if the night faded into a fog we were lying naked in bed rolling around in silk sheets. Our passion overwhelming us as we shared the most sensational affections.
Suddenly she was looking at me. She was laughing and clutching her wine. Suddenly her legs danced across the bar floor as she walked up to me.
“How are you doing?” She asked.
“I told you I was done with the drinking Derek, I’m sick of it. All you smell like is alcohol.” She cried as she slammed the door in my face.
“I don’t know what to tell you, my life is nothing but a complicated mess!” I slurred as I stumbled onto the bed.
“Don’t you ever think that maybe, for once, you can think of us? Aren’t you happy with me Derek!” She sobbed through the door.
“Of course I am, I love you, please I’m sorry” I begged, a door was all that was between us.”
“Things are okay, I’m going somewhere with my life I think,” I try to fake a smile. Trying to fool her.
“That’s so great Derek,” she smiled, “nice to see you.”
Gone like she arrived, I watched her walk away. A man wrapped his arm around her waist.
“I’m sorry for everything, everything I’ve done, I don’t know what’s wrong, I don’t know what happened!” I pleaded.
“I’m sorry Derek, I can’t do this, not anymore. I’ve put up with you this long I just can’t do it anymore!” She said tears flowing from her eyes as she got into the back of a taxi.
“Rebecca please! Don’t!” I yelled out. The cab sinking into the foggy New York streets.
The man lead her out of the bar and she looked back at me, almost taunting me with her new interest. I shook and stumbled across the floor. My stomach was twisting and turning. My fave turning pail as my heart broke.
“Please Rebecca, I’m getting help I swear please come home. Have coffee with me let me fix this,” I cried into her voicemail, a fifth of whisky in my hands.
My friends approached me, almost like they were worried. I could see their mouths moving but I couldn’t hear their words. I stomped out of the bar into the streets. Walking sideways down the sidewalk as people stared at me. I collapsed to the the ground sobbing.
“This can’t be fixed Derek, I can hear the bottle sloshing from here,” she said as she hung up the phone.
I tossed it at the wall and threw my head into my hands.